Co-Regulation: How And Why?

Dysregulation happens for all of us sometimes; typically when the expectations in any given environment, situation, or moment exceed our ability to meet them. And when overwhelm happens, whether we respond emotionally and/or physically, we’re less able to access the logical thinking part of our brain. This can be especially true for our children.

Co-regulation is the supportive process that can foster children’s self-regulation skills; it happens when we remain present and calm in the midst of an emotional storm, validate our child’s experience, and offer our steadfast presence and support. While the term co-regulation was originally used to describe adult support for infants, it’s now used to describe the interactive and ongoing process of regulatory support that takes place within caring relationships across the lifespan.

We can offer co-regulation to our children in the following ways:

• Warm facial expression

• Empathetic words

• Calm presence

• Kind tone of voice

• Open body language

When we co-regulate with our children we’re communicating that they’re safe, supported, and loved–even when they’re experiencing big feelings. When we do this repeatedly over time, we’re modeling and narrating for them increasingly skillful ways of managing emotions and emphasizing that there is always a caring adult to whom they can turn when they need help.

And we must remember that it’s a perfectly natural human response for our nervous system to become activated when someone we love is expressing intense emotions. So, what to do when we lose our calm and miss an opportunity for co-regulation? We give ourselves grace with the reminder that not one of us is perfect, we repair with our child if and when necessary, and we make a plan to do things differently when the next opportunity arises.