Healthy Boundaries Come From “No”
We do a disservice to our children when we deny them the experience of being told “no”.
Saying “no” is a form of limit setting. It’s expected that our children will test these limits, and this testing can take the form of big feelings and big behaviors: whining, pleading, crying, and/or tantruming. Learning how to accept not getting exactly what we want when we want it is a pivotal skill, as is delaying gratification. And, exposure to “no” (and her siblings of “not now” and “all done”) offers opportunities for our children to feel discomfort and work through it by co-regulating with parents, caregivers, and other trusted adults as we model coping strategies.
Just as children require structure and limits to thrive, it’s important for us as parents to shore up the courage and strength to withstand the emotional barrage of our children’s frustration, sadness, and other versions of distress after being told “no”. However, it can be helpful to know that we can often deflate the drama of delivering a “no” by framing our decision within one of the following reasons:
It’s unsafe or unkind
It’s the wrong time
It’s too much money
I often find that nearly every reasonable denial fits logically within one (or more) of these categories. If it doesn’t, I get curious about my motivation for saying “no”; am I simply not in the mood and have had a wobbly day, or otherwise need a reset in order to show up for parenting as my best self? When we can offer specific context around our “no’s” this not only helps to provide us with a guiding light for situations in which an intentional “no” is required, but also models for our children the skills of reflection and boundary setting which become increasingly important as they age.
Boundaries help to provide a sense of security. And, when our children grow up with the healthy boundaries that come, in part, from hearing ‘no’ then it’s much more likely they will have the ability to create these boundaries for themselves within their chosen relationships as they grow and develop.