When Parents Are “Mean”

As parents, we’ve probably all been here (and if not, it may very well be a matter of ‘not yet’): you’ve asked your child to participate in something developmentally appropriate, logical, and within their range of abilities. In other words, you’ve made a reasonable request. Perhaps it’s to fold laundry or set the table for dinner. You’ve asked calmly and kindly. And the response? “You’re so mean!”, or “This is so unfair!”, or some variation of that theme.

Now what?

We can be sensitive to our children’s responses without lowering our expectations. Before we consider changing our request, we can provide support by saying something like “I understand it doesn’t feel good when you’re asked to do something that you don’t want to do. You may hang the towel back up on the hook, and you don’t need to like doing it”. Or “I’m not being a mean mom, but yes, I’m being a serious mom. I can see that you don’t like it, and you can tell me that”. Acknowledging and validating our children’s feelings doesn’t mean that we need to ‘fix’ or change these feelings, nor do we need to shift our expectations.

There is considerable evidence to support the view that children need to have clear limits in order to learn about what is expected of them, how to behave, and what the edges of acceptable behavior are–how your family defines this will be based on your own values. We cannot expect our children to inherently know what age-appropriate expectations are or how to independently regulate their behavior; these are things that we teach daily while guiding them in navigating the world. And while it’s essential that we establish and maintain limits, it’s not essential that our children embrace them or agree with all of them.

Remember: our job as parents is to show up as loving and supportive, while simultaneously holding developmentally and temperamentally appropriate expectations that foster growth. This is an essential component of a balanced approach to parenting. Our children don’t always have to be pleased about what we ask of them; it’s not their job to feel excited about the limits and guidance we offer, just as it’s not our job to make them feel happy all of the time. Our work is to provide opportunities to flex and grow their muscles of participation, communication, and regulation so that they can successfully move through the world.