Holding Space Before Rushing In
As we strive to nurture and deepen the connection with our children, an essential phrase to use is “tell me more”. When we offer this sentence, especially after receiving information about a problem or stressor in our child’s life, it signals that we are curious and available to listen; it can create the space for validation and open discussion while also signaling genuine interest in our child’s experience.
When we lead in this way within conversations it can dramatically shift how our children feel information is received by us—this phrase can be one of the ways in which we show up for them from an emotional perspective. It shows that there is someone present who cares about what they have to say and who will work to understand them, and by communicating that we have the time and the interest to be in the moment with our child without judging or fixing we give them permission to work through their very real experiences.
Because our children are still very much in the process of building and navigating their life experience, they have limited context within which to view their own discomfort and distress. One of the ways in which we can miss the mark with our children is to minimize or invalidate their feelings (“What are you so upset about? This isn’t a big deal!”). Even though the incidents that they’re working through may seem trivial or absurd to us, our job as parents is to intentionally make space for their feelings and experiences.
Yet, this seemingly simple phrase of “tell me more” can be difficult to deliver in the moment…probably because it’s so intuitive for parents to want to make things ok for their children; we often feel urgently compelled to offer solutions and to provide answers. The problem, however, is that this approach doesn’t actually build the connected relationship that we seek–especially as our children get older. In fact, rushing in with unsolicited advice and solutions before creating the space to truly see and listen to them will often make our children more resistant to hearing what we have to offer in the way of suggestions for problem solving.