What Can Come Before “No”

At the core of research related to child development is the idea that an attached relationship within the parent-child connection is a central part of how we grow and develop. Not only does this attached relationship provide the warm nurturing that allows children to feel safe, but it also acts as a defense against the unavoidable adversity that our children will experience in the world. Not a barrier, but a defense. Through the shield that a strong and attached relationship can provide, children will grow resilient in the face of challenges and struggle. 

It’s essential that this relationship include appropriate boundaries and limits. We know that healthy boundaries come from “no”. But, what can come before “no”? 

• Be clear on your expectations, and why. We can center these expectations around health, safety, and family values, and communicate these expectations to our children.

• Front load these expectations. We can offer our children predetermined guidance for accessing the expected behaviors and strategies in any given situation (“Remember, we always walk inside the library. If you want to run, tell me and we’ll go outside”).

• Model the expected behavior (and strategy). Ensure that the expectation we’re asking our children to engage with is one that they have the ability, or growing ability, to access. Let’s strive to meet our children where they are, while also focusing on skill building. 

And, despite our most intentional planning, there will be missteps. This is the work of childhood and we should be ready to reinforce our established boundaries and limits with a clear and firm “no”. The good news is that, through these expectations, our attached connection with our children will continue to grow over the days, months, and years ahead…and lots of missteps.