When The World Feels Scary
When events in the world are tragic and frightening, it's absolutely understandable for us to want to protect our children from them. Our instinct as parents is to let them keep believing, for as long as possible, that the world is safe and that terrible things don't happen. But children are incredibly attuned to collective tension and our emotional states, so they often easily sense when things aren't right. Without a trusted adult to explain what’s happening and clarify any misinformation, children’s imaginations can create their own scenarios and explanations.
Here’s a recipe for having conversations about scary events with our school-aged children:
Note: If you have older children, this is a time to hear what they think about things and to avoid lectures. Our tweens and teens are learning to understand the world for themselves and we can support their deep thinking by offering thought provoking questions and access to reliable information.
Center yourself. Take a deep breath so that you are regulated. Sometimes it can help to physically put your hands over your heart.
Find out what your child knows. You can offer something like: “You may have heard about (the shooting in Maine/the conflict between Israel and Hamas). I’m curious about what you’ve heard, and I’m here to answer any questions that you have.”
Be clear and honest. “There’s a war between Israel and Hamas. As with any war, people are being injured and killed. This is why you’re seeing so many adults who are sad. You’re safe and our family is safe, and we care about the experiences of other people even when they live far away.”
Pause. Let the information settle. See what, if anything, your child has to say.
Listen. Create space for any response, without having expectations. Your child doesn’t have to be interested, sad, or concerned; we simply need to communicate with them so that they can reconcile any unspoken cues of our collective distress.
Offer age-appropriate facts. If your child has questions, look up answers together. Answer only the questions they’ve asked in the moment and resist providing too much information. These are ongoing discussions as opposed to isolated conversations.
When you’re unable to answer a question, acknowledge it. Complex questions present opportunities for critical thinking, investigation, and the acceptance that we won’t always have answers. We can model resiliency in the face of discomfort and uncertainty.
Focus on routines. When things in the world feel uncertain, even when they’re happening far away, it’s important to lean on daily routines within our own family in order to keep things as stable and rhythmic as possible for our children.
Emphasize that you are here to support. If you notice that your child is feeling particularly worried about current events, reassure them that you are here and strategize ways for them to take care of their own emotions. Normalize that it makes sense to feel anxious right now, and that many people feel similarly.
Take care of yourself. We must prioritize our own emotional health so that we have the capacity to show up for our children as our best selves.
Remember: there is really never a reason to expose children to graphic details of scary topics. Sustained consumption of media coverage can be harmful, even to adults, so make a plan to move away from it as soon as you feel your nervous system becoming activated. We can remain informed without obsessively consuming media, and doing so will model for our children how to maintain balance.