When Our Gentle Parenting Needs A Boost
In recent years, “gentle parenting” has gained traction within parenting communities. The exact definition of this practice is unclear, as it’s not a term that has been robustly studied within research circles nor used by psychologists in clinical practice. However, most conceptualizations of gentle parenting seem grounded in the principles of validating, empathizing, and fostering an attached bond with our children through shared positive experiences—all practices that nearly every child psychologist and child development expert would recommend.
In a perfect parenting world, validating and empathizing with our child’s big feelings would be enough to consistently shift behavior in a more positive direction. Nonetheless, many parents continue to navigate challenging behaviors with their children despite engaging in the relationship-building strategies endorsed by the gentle parenting philosophy.
While the foundational principles of gentle parenting resonate with many families (mine included), we will inevitably encounter difficult situations where gentle parenting isn’t working. When this happens, we need a toolkit. The strategies listed below are supported by research and included in evidence-based parent coaching programs:
1. Use logical consequences. These are directly related to a particular behavior and can therefore make the most sense to children (for example: pausing play to get a band aid or an ice pack for a child that’s been hurt, leaving the park if safety rules aren’t being followed, cleaning up materials from one activity before taking out new materials for the next activity).
Although it’s powerful to remind children of rules and limits in advance of an activity, research also suggests that implementing logical consequences in conjunction with this type of verbal reasoning is more effective in shifting behavior.
2. Offer selective attention. Attention is an incredibly powerful parenting tool, especially when we use it to focus more on the behaviors that we’d like to see more of as opposed to focusing on the behaviors that we’d like to see less of. And, if noticing and praising the desired behavior isn’t working it’s ok to ignore what can be called “junk” behaviors: fussing, mild arguing, whining, or repetitive questioning. These behaviors are minor, but nonetheless disruptive.
As parents we can sometimes fall into an accidental pattern of attending more to the junk behaviors that we’d actually like to see less of; this can unintentionally increase the frequency with which our children engage in them. To shift this pattern, we may have to attend more to desired behaviors while also simultaneously ignoring these junk behaviors. It’s important to note that only minor disruptive behaviors that serve the purpose of gaining our attention should be selectively ignored. Addressing challenging behaviors such as aggression and persistent opposition require more robust strategies.
3. Try a body break. Taking a break during moments when the emotional temperature is high can be very effective in improving behavior. A body break can be a time for you or your child to remove yourselves from a hard situation and find calm. Creating a designated calming space can be one way to start: find items that help your child feel soothed (perhaps books, drawing supplies, a favorite stuffie) and encourage them to take some time in this designated space when they need to settle. If it’s realistic and helpful, you can join them. You can also create your own nurturing calm-down space, complete with some of your favorite soothing things.
Promoting a break from hard moments can teach our children important self-regulation skills while also preventing the descent into a full meltdown. And, these breaks can give us the opportunity to regulate when we’re feeling triggered as parents and can prevent our descent into yelling and threatening.
4. Take care of yourself first. It is absolutely permitted to tend to our own emotional needs before attending to our children. We so often put our children first, and it always serves us well to remember that showing up as our best parenting self may also include prioritizing our feelings and needs; doing so not only models healthy emotional regulation within our families, it also makes it infinitely more possible for us to help our children work through their wobbly moments.
Research supports the foundations promoted by gentle parenting (validating, empathizing, intentionally enhancing the parent-child relationship), and becoming practiced and fluent in these skills can be powerful for our families. Even so, these strategies alone aren’t always effective for every situation. In such cases, it does not mean that we’ve failed at being a gentle parent—only that it might be time to give our gentle parenting a boost; we can do so by incorporating other techniques to address the hard times that inevitably arise even after we’ve attended to positive, relationship-building strategies with our children.